I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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