I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
Randomize
