My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
Randomize
