i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
Randomize
