I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
btw, whatever u do, dont try and take that towel away from her..i tried, it got ugly..she said some things im sure she regrets.
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
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