The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
she was so hung over that i had to hold her hair while she puked in a trash can in the middle of the student center as new freshman and their parents walked by.
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
Randomize
