He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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