Will you blow on my dice?
wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
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