btw, but what hole was i in last night? wanna know if i have to worry
Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Randomize
