I'm lost and stupid without you.
How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
I don't think brook has ever known best
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
Randomize
