i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Randomize
