If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
How's work?
Spinning.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
Do you think I should make him wait for my responses or do you think sophomore have no concept of time like dogs?
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
Randomize
