You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
The beers last night were like the tears from god
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
Before he comes over remember the house standards. Ask yourself "will he stalk my sister or myself in the future?". If the answer is yes, then no, he isn't allowed.
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
