I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
jersey shore has given me a vivid depiction of what things will be like for me once i get to hell
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
Shitshow foam night was such a success
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
Randomize
