Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
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