Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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