you would have Pina Colada flavored saliva.
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Randomize
