she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
Randomize
