I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
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