fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
Randomize
