She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Randomize
