It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
The visine ive been using for four yrs expired. in sept. of 2001.....i will never question my eye problems again.
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
We have started to decorate penises.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
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