First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
"romantic friends" sounds more classy then friends with benfits
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
Randomize
