If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.
so you admit it was good then??
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
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