he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Randomize
