just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
his logic is that since hes already cheated on her w me its doesnt count
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
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