Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
I'm storing dick pics, so basically if I'm still single after residency...ur gonna get bombarded. It's gonna be a blizzard of dicks.
Feel free to keep your blizzard of dicks to yourself.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
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