Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
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