While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
Randomize
