My Higher Power is John Stamos
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
Randomize
