Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
Randomize
