Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
Randomize
