You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
it's like heaven, but drunker
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
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