I love you!
You're insane
Fuckin crazy man! Seriously though I think if you would have me I honestly seriously think about marrying u!
Alright now lets video chat so I can xshow u my dick! Hahahaha
At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
I don't think I can handle being a slut. There is a lot more emotional stress that I never realized.
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Randomize
