I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
Between the walk of shame, bar fight, karaoke, injuries, number of bar check-ins, and variety/quantity of alcohols and Advil consumed, I'd say HookerFest 2012 was a raging success.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
So...#1 on my TO DO list for college is to fuck someone somewhere in the stadium during the homecoming game...you down?
Randomize
