My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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