:( I'm sorry!!!
sexual favors sorry?
absolutely not
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
Randomize
