i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
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