you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
we drove through mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu. We told the workers that were making Super Size Me 2, drove away without paying and told them to bill our producer.
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
Randomize
