Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
are you so shy because you have an std?
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
Also I've come to learn that "type" and "fetish" are different things. Apologies for earlier confusion.
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Randomize
