When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
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