i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
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