So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
my liver is dry heaving
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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