True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
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