Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
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