I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
BOOTY CALL IN EFFECT, BOOTY CALL IN PROCESS, BOOTY CALL ACCEPTED, AND BOOTY CALL INITIATES FRIDAY NIGHT.
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
