My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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