new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Randomize
