I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
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