loyola was giving a tour this morning and they all saw me in a half ripped off toga throwing up over the side of the dorm stairs
you don't even go to loyola anymore
I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
