dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
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