i wish starbucks made bloody marys
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
Our Icelandic basketball player brought cocaine and rachael is screaming that he should do lines off her stomach. It's that kind of party
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
