hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
Randomize
